I have some terribly sad news to share :(, our beautiful furbaby Jack passed away on October 21st 2016 peacefully in our arms.
Life truly will never be the same and our home is so empty without our little boy. I had jack for 6 years almost to the day and Darren shared our fury friend for nearly 6 years. Just as i described him on his shared page with pippa, he was a loving and very loyal dog and we are so sad to no longer have him in our lives and at our sides.
He became very sick in his last two weeks, it was so sudden and the vets predict it was most likely due to a brain tumour. Like i said it was so sudden and he had such a terrible time that the kindest thing for him was to let him go. I still can't talk too much about it, it's still too soon. He wasn't alone as i said both Darren and i where with him to the very end. Jack was my first Dog and he will forever be so special to me.
It has been a few months without him and it's been a difficult time. I just hope he knew how much i loved him, all those days i didn't kiss or cuddle him or just look into his beautiful kind brown eyes i will always regret, but you can't spend all your days doing that as you also have your life to live and i understand that but when you lose someone close to you, you always wish you could go back one last time or you wish you would have appreciated them more. The problem is you won't know you'll feel that way until they are gone and i have learned so much since his passing.
We still have pippa and she hasn't been the same since he's been gone. The first few days where the hardest, we just wanted to be able to sit her down and explain what had happened but obviously that wasn't possible and it made his passing even harder with her missing him. We have a little mat in our kitchen and jack used to sit on it but especially in his last weeks and pippa would just sit there and wait and even now to think of that it really upsets me.
Since then she has been a little bit better, we have since washed that mat and everything jack was in to try and make it a little easier for her but like humans she will mourn for him.
We had all of this to contend with whilst seeing to our newborn baby, she has been my best distraction through it all. when you have a newborn or a baby or child in general, you have no time to sit around and mope because they need feeding or changing or just need you and i have found myself on random days at different times, just crying because i miss him so much and i am always so busy and when i catch up with myself, it hits me all over again and it really is the hardest thing.
So this post was mean't as a final goodbye to my jack, so all my readers know and to anyone else out there who has ever loved and lost a pet no matter how big or small, i know how you feel and i am so sorry for your loss.
One thing that gets to me is that Harlow will never grow up with jack and i was never able to get a photo of them together and when we feared we may lose him, he was that sick it wasn't even possible for that to happen and it didn't look like jack anymore.
To my jack, you where my first proper pet and i fell in love with you big time, you where my best friend through really hard times and i loved how you wouldn't leave my side if i was sad or crying, you where such a loving, loyal and beautiful companion and i will miss you with all my heart. I am so sorry you where sick and that Darren and i couldn't make you better. You bought both of us so much happiness and we hope you had a good life, we will always miss you and you will never be forgotten. Thank you for loving me the way you did and i will never forget the way you looked into my eyes.
love you always- my matey jack <3 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
21/10/2016 I lost my best friend x
I wrote announcing that i was pregnant a few months ago now, but it wasn't easy for us and i wanted to write about our struggle because it is something that is very common but the couples that are fortunate enough to not have gone through the struggle of infertility will not understand how mentally and emotionally hard it is and those couples who are suffering will understand completley and i wanted to share my story with you so you can be more understanding towards struggling couples and to those of you who are struggling to let you know i understand and i am here for you and to give you the heads up for what lies ahead.
I will do this in two parts as it's such a lot of information to fit into one big read, especially if you are reading this on your phone, so please come back for part two.
So lets start at the beginning :)..
I have always wanted to be a mum, since as far back as i can remember. I was always maternal as a child and when my little brother was born in 2002 i was over the moon and i mothered him as much as i could and enjoyed every moment ( I still do and he is 14 now :p).
I suspected i may have problems conceiving a good while back now but the doctors always put my missing monthly cycles down to hormones and pretty much fobbed me off every time, until i went for a blood test because enough was enough and like i suspected i did have something wrong with me, i have a very common condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). What that means is that a womans levels of the sex hormone estrogen and progesterone are out of balance and this leads to the growth of ovarian cysts. Pcos can cause problems such as fertility issues, missing menstrual cycles, cardiac function and even appearence.
Darren and i had been together for a long time and realised we where not falling pregnant naturally so i went to the doctors where they did another blood test and reffered me to the fertility clinic in the womens hospital in liverpool.
My first appointment was 31st dec 2014. The first few visits where pretty boring, just paper work and weigh ins and more blood tests when you get your period etc..
One of the hardest parts of having pcos is that you can gain weight very quickly and it is very hard to lose that weight. At one of my appointments when she weighed me i was told i was obese and this really hit me hard! i was devastated i was a size 14 in most things and weighed around 13 stone. I was told in order to recieve any help i had to lose the weight (hence why i was doing the slimming world).
I also had to have something called a hycosy where basically they put a catheter through your cervix with a clear solution and when they put that solution into your uterus they watch to see if it goes through your fallopian tubes so they can rule out blocked tubes. Thankfully mine where fine. Darren had to have tests done too so they could check on his sperm.
At my next consultation it was with a consultant who gave us darren's results and the plan of action for our course of treatment. Sadly due to both of us having troubles and finding out i do not ovulate, their decision was to go for IVF. I could not believe i needed ivf, me?!
I have never known anyone more maternal than myself and i needed science to help me have a baby, i was so shocked and devastated, As where my family. I was told at that appointment that they would give me 6 months to lose 2 stone and i said i am not waiting 6 months to even get started! so she said 4, and i had to meet her in the middle so i said ok. So she gave me a date to aim to and off i went on my 4 month journey to lose weight!
The appointments where very far apart and so far i had waited 9 months before even recieving any treatment. I handled it very well so far as i had the weight loss to focus on, that was my goal to drop 2 stone and i was also put on 500mg of metformin 3 times a day to help me get to that goal. Most days where ok but others where hard, sometimes i would find myself in tears thinking about how unfair it was for people to fall pregnant so fast and when you go through something like this, it feels like everyone around you is pregnant.
What a lot of people don't understand is that when you suffer infertility, it is a real strain on your emotional wellbeing as well as your mental wellbeing. I know for me i felt like having a baby was just what we are made for ( im not being sexist, i mean that we are naturally able to concieve because we have the body parts to do so) so i felt like a failure and people say oh "it will happen" and "your time will come" and my most hated one "just relax and it will happen", i do not ovulate so how can i get pregnant?
It really is hard to want something all your life that seems so easy to achieve yet your body is unable to do so. I went through a stage of resenting myself which was very hard.
Darren was amazingly supportive through all of this. I absolutely adore him!
So i lost the 2 stone and at my weigh in appointment which was 1st september 2015, i was told i was successful and that they where able to put me through for the funding permission for the ivf. I remember walking into town with darren and feeling like someone had just told me i was pregnant, all my hard work paid off and we where on our way to becoming parents.
(fast forward a bit)- We where told we where granted permission to go through with the ivf and the next step was to recieve an information pack with a dvd in it and once we had recieved all of that we will soon have a consultation with a nurse to decide what our ivf protocol would be. So at that appointment they decided the short cycle was what would be best for us and she gave us some information and took more blood ( I had so many blood tests through this process) and we where sent on our way. Basically i just had to wait for my period which was so frustrating as it was so irregular and i just wanted to get on with it. Our next appointment was with a nurse for a drugs teach appointment, they basically go over what the dvd covers and you get to have a go at touching the needle you will be using and you can ask any questions you may have with the nurses.
This was really strange and exciting. I'm holding this needle thinking how the hell am i going to be able to stab this into myself? but i mentioned being excited because i was one step closer to hopefully being pregant...
To be continued in part two xx
As the title says, The baby is here and i am back!
Being pregnant was so much fun but hard as well.
I really suffered with headaches and it was very hard to function, even just every day activities. Sometimes even just checking my facebook on my phone was too much, never mind coming on here a few times a week. I had the headaches every day for what must have been like, 9 weeks in total and then after that every now and then until later in pregnancy when i didn't really suffer.
Feeling my little baby kick inside me was just incredible. After suffering with infertility, it was so special and mean't everything to me for sure.
From the get go i just knew just i was having a girl, i have heard people say "you just know", but i really did and it was such a strong feeling.
My older sister and her boyfriend bought Darren and i a 16 week private gender scan and when we went and i was laying on the bed, i had a slight doubt that it may be a boy but it didn't last very long and the sonographer said what would you like it to be or words to that affect and i said girl and she pulled a certain face and i said is it? and she nodded. Best feeling ever, 1- because i was right and 2- because i was about to have my little princess :).
Seeing your baby on the scan screen at 12 weeks is amazing. I obviously had a 7 week scan but you really can't make anything out at that stage as its so small but at 12 weeks, my god! She was huge, well so she seamed anyway and also she was asleep haha, i had to move about because she was asleep and we couldn't really see her moving but when she did we where so shocked and couldn't stop smiling, it really is the best feeling ever. After that was the 16 week gender scan which she was so active for, she was kicking her legs all about and turning around so much and once again we where completley in love. We didn't really get to see her at the 20 week scan because at that one it's more about checking the babies heart and head size etc.. but because of the position she was in the sonographer couldn't get to see her heart chambers or her umbilical positioning so we got an extra scan a few weeks later to check everything and everything was fine and at that one we got some scans of her hands and feet and it made me melt! her little hand!!!
Anyway moving on.. i will do a birth story for you to read if you are interested. I had a c- secion so come back to read that one.
My beautiful little princess is called Harlow and we love her so so much. what a journey this has been. We are incredibly lucky to have her and i would do it all again to be blessed with another child.
So that is why i have not been active on here for such a long time and i am so sorry to all my readers who will have come back time and time again to see nothing and i just hope i can get you all back again and more.
Another Topic i will be talking about is my vegan journey and all my feelings regarding that so please come back and have a read.
Thank you all so much for visiting and i hope to see you back again soon :)
Subscribe so you don't miss out on any new posts and interesting stories that are coming your way <3 xxxxxxxxxxxx
So i have some pretty huge news to share with you all!
I am PREGNANT :D
We have had one hell of a journey to get to where we are right now and if you are all interested in that journey i will do another post specific to that another time.
Currently i am 13 weeks and 5 days pregnant and not even announced it on facebook yet BUT i didn't want to lose anymore readers with me being absent for so long now. We have just had a very difficult journey to get to where we are right now. We are so happy and very excited for our little arrival and i will do another full update as i say on the topic another time so you can read all about it then.
My other huge announcement is that i am now a Vegan :). And once again i will do a big post on that explaining why and also how its affected my health so far on my journey.
A lot has happened this year so far and its been a completley new and exciting journey for me and my family as my sister is also pregnant so this year not only will i be a mum myself but also an auntie and our little ones will not have much of a gap between them so i am incredibly excited and goodness knows what this blog will turn into but it's going to be one hell of a journey and it's going to be a thrill to share it with you all.
I was having a quick look at my audience and where everyone is from and i love how many different countries and cities have found my blog, so i want to thank you all for taking the time to come by and take a look.
I still do not have my own laptop :( i will look into getting one soon but i am poor so we shall see. My boyfriend just had to buy a new one because his one broke and he is pretty much always on it so i thought i would grab it quick just to let you all know i am still here and i can't wait to come back with more posts and hopefully gain some new viewers too.
Thankyou all so much and if you would like to follow me on my new and very exciting journey then please subscribe and stay tuned for my upcoming posts.
speak to you all soon, take care and have a fabulous weekend from beki and bump <3 xxxxxxxxxxx
I do still exist,
I have just been so busy with things and just not had the time at all to come on here and update you, sorry.
How are you all? gosh i have so much to tell you all but just not yet!
I am loving that it's Autumn, finally! been waiting all year. This is my favourite time of the year and im feeling so festive. Mischief night tomorrow, dreading it! people from america, do you have mischief night and if yes, what happens in america? in fact anywhere else in the world apart from the uk?
I will tell you what happens here in liverpool; bad things, haha. Usually ill be on the bus on mischief night coming home from work and smack, the bus gets egged by a gang of young lads. Somehow they think its fun? even funny!!? It really is not! OR you could be walking home or wherever and smack, you get egged. It hasn't happened to me YET, but seeing as i've said this, it will most likely happen to me now haha. OOPS!
Are you all excited for halloween?!
I will be honest, halloween isn't that much of a big deal for me, growing up we would never go out trick or treating but that was ok because we would do things in the house like duck apple and apple on the strings (not sure what that game is called). But then in 2002 my little brother was born and when he was old enough we started going out and it was a new thing for me and my sisters. I personally do not like anything scary, it doesn't impress me at all, so for me halloween is my brothers birthday. However this year, me and darren decided to carve our own pumpkins because we have never done our own before. It was so much fun and they look fab!
My little brother came over last night and he carved his very own pumpkin too, it looks fab!
I will put pictures up soon of halloween and jamie's birthday, including our pumpkins :)
Thank you to everyone who is still looking at my blog and sorry i have been away for so long.
hope you have all had a fab evening and speak to you soon xxx
I have not been on here because i have been super busy preparing for CHRISTMAS!!! Yes you read that right.
Christmas is the most magical, Happy, festive time of the year and it's mine and darren's Favourite time. I started making little things in february haha, people think i am crazy, I just believe its called being organised. Any how, i am not going to post pictures just yet as i want to save that for Nov- Dec to give you some winter inspiration.
I am making all kinds of things but what i am concentrating on more at the moment is scarves for Autumn/ Winter. I will be showing them on my facebook page soon to sell and i will put some up on my blog also. They are really lovely!!
You never know i might do a give away if i have enough interest. If that is something you would like then please comment below :).
I wish i had my own laptop but can not afford one at the moment and with Darren starting a business i can not get access to it a lot of the time so i have to get in when i can. I miss updating you all but i have tried doing it on the blogger app and i can not change the font or anything so i Can't personalise it for me.
Anyway i am off to finish my scarf so i can start another before my shift tomorrow.
Thankyou for reading and speak to you all soon :D xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hello, its been a month tomorrow since i last updated you all on my slimming world journey. Well i had my important appointment and guess what.. it went well!
I can't tell you all what it was for just yet but i will when the time is right :) and when it is, i can not wait to tell you all what's going on :p.
So when i was last weighed it was 11 st 6Ibs and i had 2 days till my appointment, so my lovely new friend taught me a little trick. I only did this as i was desperate and wouldn't recommend anyone trying it as it's not the safest. Basically the night before my appointment i took some water tablets and i lost 4Ib in water weight for my appointment which had me weighing in at, 11st 2Ib, which mean't for my appointment i was exactly 2 stone lighter. I was so chuffed, can't even tell you. Since tuesday i have eaten a load of crap which i am not happy for but i needed a blow out, i tried so hard and i needed a treat but i don't feel good for it at all, i'm all bloated and feel horrible. So i will be back to slimming world strictly in time.
Due to the whole water tablet business i won't be weighing myself for a good few weeks, maybe 4 as i have been naughty and i will have gained a few pounds from this week alone. I will keep you all updated when i do weigh myself though.
If anyone is doing slimming world, please comment and let us all know how your getting on. I have basically lost 24 pounds on slimming world and would 100% urge you to keep going and if you have not then please start. I didn't pay to be a member as i can not afford to but i did google all about it and joined groups on facebook and found out about it all that way.
Thank you for reading and supporting me on my journey so far, i still have a lot to lose but.. depending on how these next 3 months go could change that. We shall see. Stay tuned!!
